


i was supposed to be scared of nothing

by fawndaisy (apprentice)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Bittersweet, M/M, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29556138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apprentice/pseuds/fawndaisy
Summary: It’s late at night when Sungchan comes to his room again.
Relationships: Jung Sungchan/Mark Lee
Comments: 14
Kudos: 53
Collections: Challenge #5 — I heard a secret.., Kingdom Come Round One





	i was supposed to be scared of nothing

**Author's Note:**

> For R2 of HISTORICALLY NCT and R5 of A LITTLE WONDER FEST: Secrets

It’s late at night when Sungchan comes to his room again.

Mark briefly toys with the idea of ignoring the boy and keeping his door locked, letting Sungchan stay cluelessly on the other side until he gets the hint and leaves, taking away all of Mark’s recent problems with him as he goes.

Then Sungchan knocks their secret combination again, a bit stronger and more insistent this time. Mark lets out an inaudible sigh before pushing his blankets aside, hastily padding towards the door as quietly as possible. He unlocks it quickly before walking back, not bothering to wait and watch Sungchan walk through the door.

When he turns back around to sit on the edge of his bed, Sungchan is locking the door, shooting a small smile at Mark when he notices him staring. Mark doesn’t return the gesture. As usual, Sungchan shows up in a hooded black cloak over his servants’ clothes, which he swiftly takes off and drapes over Mark’s chair before gingerly stepping towards his bed.

It’s hard to see Sungchan in the dark room, where the only source of light is a single lit candle next to Mark’s bed. It’s always like this whenever Sungchan stops by, ever since the first night; the room dim and moonless, because Mark always makes sure to cover his window with an opaque fabric whenever he knows Sungchan will come. Which, lately, has been almost every night. 

Tonight, like every other night, Sungchan looks blurry and out of focus from afar, almost like an apparition Mark has manifested from his dreams. Mark only knows that he’s real because of the shadows moving over his face as he walks towards Mark, cast by the various trinkets gifted to Mark by Donghyuck over the years that look too accurate and realistic to be a product of Mark’s imagination. Mark only knows that he’s real because when Sungchan is within reaching distance of Mark, he takes Mark’s hand in his and grips it, eyes unmoving from where they’re piercing Mark’s as he presses Mark’s dominant hand against his chest.

“Hyung,” Sungchan whispers, breaking the silence of the room. Almost instinctively Mark’s eyes dart towards his door. There are no footsteps or knocks from outside. The shadows around his room remain unmoving. Nothing happens.

Mark sighs, miniscule and almost silent, though he knows that Sungchan notices. “We can’t keep doing this,” He says finally, keeping his voice as low as he can. Rather than making eye-contact with Sungchan, Mark opts for staring at the room behind the boy instead, training his eyes on the nondescript wall as if there were something very interesting on it. He’s always been a coward like this.

“Hyung,” Sungchan repeats. “Minhyung.”

Mark’s eyes snap back to Sungchan’s. “Don’t call me that.”

Sungchan ignores him. “Minhyung, why do you pretend not to know me?” His eyes bore into Mark’s, innocent and guileless. They both know what he’s referring to. 

“You know why.” It’d been innocent bickering, whispers to each other as they made jokes about whatever they laid their eyes on. Then Jeno’d commented that Mark and Sungchan seemed close. Mark’s heart had thudded loudly in his chest as he denied the statement weakly and slipped away, leaving Sungchan to fend for himself among the higher level staff of the Prince alone.

Stupid. It was stupid and careless, letting down his guard in public. It was not a mistake Mark would have made before he met Sungchan.

“No, I don’t,” Sungchan mutters, sounding frustrated. His grip on Mark’s hand tightens. “You palace people speak in riddles and your logic defies common sense. I’ve only been here for three months and no one ever explains anything to me.”

Mark’s mouth dries. “You shouldn’t be saying this. I could report you.”

“But you won’t,” Sungchan replies, certainty in his words. Mark wishes he were even half as confident as Sungchan sounds right now. “I’m only a stupid, vapid attendant anyway, whose only use is to seduce Prince Haechan. Nobody’s bothered dealing with me except you.”

Mark ignores the second half of his words. “You’re a relative of Her Majesty the Empress,” He says quietly. “Cousin of the Crown Prince. You’re not stupid at all.”

“Then why don’t you ever acknowledge me in public?”

Mark hesitates. “Court politics is… difficult, especially for one who has not been raised around it. You are not stupid for not fully understanding the intricacies of it.”

“Explain it to me, then.” Sungchan’s frown deepens. Mark glances away.

“I’m only a bodyguard,” Mark says. He tries to pull his hand away half-heartedly, but Sungchan doesn’t budge, squeezing Mark’s hand instead of letting him go.

“A bodyguard who has prepared for almost his entire life to serve Prince Haechan,” Sungchan deadpans.

“I’m only a bodyguard,” Mark says again. “While you’re related to royalty. We are of two different statuses. It would be inappropriate for us to interact in public.”

“That wasn’t a problem when we were younger.” Lee Donghyuck, Fifth Prince Haechan, is Mark’s closest friend in the world, but it would be a lie to call him Mark’s oldest friend. Because before Donghyuck was Jung Sungchan, young and innocent and cute, clinging to his _Minhyungie-hyung_ ’s every word as they played together as children. Then Mark’s father got a promotion, and his entire family moved into the royal palace while Sungchan’s stayed behind.

“We aren’t children anymore,” Mark says softly. “We both have our own duties to serve, for our superiors. For me, Prince Haechan. For you…”

“I’m loyal to Prince Haechan,” Sungchan protests, sensing Mark’s implication. “I was a gift from the Empress to Fifth Prince Haechan. I’ve been integrated into his entourage. I only serve him now.”

“Not everyone thinks that,” Mark replies. “The court is always suspicious. They think you’re…” He trails off, hesitating.

“What? They think I’m fucking Prince Haechan to get information out of him, and then passing that information along to the Empress? Do they think I’d do something so obvious?” Sungchan hisses, his thumb digging into Mark’s palm.

“It’s not that uncommon,” Mark says, wincing more at Sungchan’s blunt words than his subconscious action. His fingers are rough at the tips, as most personal attendants’ hands were due to their line of work. Mark, on the other hand, had calluses spread across his entire hand, thin lines where open wounds used to be and a scar between his thumb and pointer finger, a remnant of the days Mark spent perfecting his hold on a sword before he became good enough to guard Donghyuck. “The Empress is of higher status than the Princes, after all. There’s no household that is foolproof of spies.”

“Are you one?” 

Mark tilts his head and leans back, letting his free hand move towards the underside of his pillow. He watches as Sungchan follows the movement. “I don’t know, am I?” He asks, fingers tightening around the dagger under his pillow. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this.

“Your dagger doesn’t scare me and neither do you, Lee Minhyung. I know you too well.”

“If you know me well, then you should know where my loyalty lies,” Mark replies, pulling the dagger out and spinning it deftly in his hand.

“Answer my question,” Sungchan insists, face unreadable. “Are you a spy?”

Mark pulls his hand away from Sungchan’s grasp before grabbing his left wrist, dragging him forwards until his face is barely a hair’s breadth away from Mark’s. Mark uses his other hand to press the dagger lightly under Sungchan’s neck. 

Sungchan gamely ignores the dagger and instead focuses his gaze on Mark. Then he leans closer, close enough that the dagger’s edge kisses his throat. Close enough that if Mark wanted to, he could easily close the gap between them.

Mark is the first to pull back, letting go of Sungchan’s wrist quickly as if he were being burned, despite him being the one who held a dagger against Sungchan. He quickly sheathes the weapon. “No,” He says firmly.

Sungchan leans back slowly, until he’s standing straight again. His arms stay by his side this time. “Then why does what other people think matter? You know I’m loyal, and you know you’re loyal. Prince Haechan knows that you’re loyal.”

“It’s not that easy,” Mark says. “I’m loyal to Prince Haechan, and that’s what everyone knows for now. But if I associate with… someone who they suspect is a spy, they might use it to their advantage to cast suspicion upon me and remove me from my position. And if they do that, then I can’t protect Prince Haechan anymore.” 

Sungchan stares at him for a long time. Then, “You’re serious,” He says in wonder.

“This is a serious situation, Sungchan,” Mark frowns. “Treason isn’t a light crime. Even if it’s framed.”

“No, I mean—” Sungchan huffs, grabbing Mark’s blanket and pushing it against the wall to give himself space to sit down. “You said it yourself. I’m related to royalty. You’re the most trusted bodyguard, the second in command even, to Prince Haechan. We’re fairly important pawns, in their eyes.” He smiles. “Even if they don’t try to destroy you, destroy _us_ ,” He says, emphasising the word while he turns towards Mark, “There’s no guarantee that they won’t try to remove us using another method anyway. The more Prince Haechan’s power grows, the more enemies he’ll have, and the more they’ll try to isolate him and remove his allies and followers. Why live in constant fear of someone framing you when you can just do whatever you want, and then take precautions to avoid the traps?”

“Not starting a relationship with you _is_ a precaution.”

“No, it’s cowardice,” Sungchan snaps. Mark startles before surging forward to cover Sungchan’s mouth, balancing himself by pressing his other hand down on the mattress, next to Sungchan’s knee. His arm feels shaky, but Mark ignores it in favour of staring sternly at Sungchan.

“Shh, people will hear,” Mark whispers, the hand against Sungchan’s face relaxing incrementally when Sungchan doesn’t shout. “And then we really will be dead. It’s against the law to…” He trails off.

Sungchan raises an eyebrow. “To?” He asks, tongue darting out to lick Mark’s palm. Mark pulls back as if burned.

“To bed someone who belongs to the Prince,” Mark mutters, flushing.

“Oh? Is that what we’re doing right now? Why didn’t you tell me?” Sungchan asks, tilting his head.

“I just meant—what it looks like to outsiders,” Mark huffs. “You alone with me in my room late at night. Either we’re having sex or we’re spies planning to murder Prince Haechan.”

“Besides,” Sungchan continues. “Anyone with two eyes can tell that Prince Haechan is absolutely and entirely smitten with Prince Yangyang, especially right now when he’s visiting. No one actually believes I’ve been successful in seducing Prince Haechan.”

“But you were,” Mark says. 

Sungchan frowns. “What do you mean?”

Mark flushes. “I saw you,” He says guiltily. “Get summoned by him to his chambers a few weeks ago, late at night.”

“And yet you still let me into your room two nights later,” Sungchan says, delighted. 

“You were too conspicuous,” Mark says feebly, the lie sounding obvious even to his own ears. “It was easier to just let you inside.”

“Okay Minhyung,” Sungchan grins. “But for the record, I only talked to him that night. About you.”

“Wait, what?” Mark squawks. “What did you two speak about?”

“Shh, now you’re being loud,” Sungchan tsks. “And I wouldn’t know,” He shrugs. “You’d have to ask him yourself.”

“He’ll never tell me,” Mark complains. This is a lie. Donghyuck would tease him and refuse to tell him at first, but in the end he’ll always give in. It’s just far easier to get answers from Sungchan instead.

“Then I guess you’ll never know,” Sungchan shrugs.

“Jung Sungchan.”

“I’ll tell you if you give me a kiss.”

Mark sucks in a quick breath. “You know we can’t do that anymore,” He hisses.

“Do I?” Sungchan asks. His eyes are guileless as they stare into Mark’s. _Unfamiliar with court politics, huh?_ Mark thinks wryly. Just his thick skin alone provides him with half the skills needed to survive in court. Mark’s always been the opposite; easy to read, honest to a fault, barely scraping by in viscous court sessions.

“You have your duties and I have mine,” Mark insists, every word spoken as if memorised beforehand. It might as well have been, with Mark cycling through the explanations and excuses in his head hundreds and thousands of times, trying to convince himself that what he was choosing to do was right. He’s running out of explanations now that Sungchan is here though, and the further he goes the more it’ll hurt.

“Hyung, we’ve discussed this before—”

“My father thinks it’s time I should get married, Sungchan-ah.” Mark blurts. _Fuck_. The cat’s out of the bag now.

Sungchan stares. “What? You’re barely even twenty five!”

“He got married when he was my age,” Mark says uncomfortably. “And then had me two years later.”

“We were born during the wartime, hyung. People got married and had children earlier back then because—”

“I can’t be with you, Sungchan,” Mark interrupts, speaking quickly before he loses his momentum and starts crying. He forces every word out of his throat, words his father and other senior knights have repeated to him again and again, as if marriage were just another duty Mark had to fulfill for his job. “I have to meet a girl who my father and Donghyu—Prince Haechan approves of, and then I have to marry her. And then I have to have a child with her. Can’t you see, Sungchan? We can’t do this.”

Sungchan frowns. “I don’t mind being your second lover,” He says hesitantly. “You need an heir, right? I can’t give you one, but your main wife can. I’ll be your concubine.”

“Don’t say that,” Mark hisses. “You’re a relative of the Empress. You deserve much more than to be the concubine of someone like me. It’s humiliating and beneath you.”

“I don’t care,” Sungchan says flippantly. “As long as I can be with you, I don’t care about my pride or image.”

Mark swallows. “I won’t let you,” He says hollowly. “It’d be a waste for you, and people would talk. It’s,” He hesitates. “I’m already busy enough as it is, and adding a marriage will eat up all my time. I won’t have time for you.”

“We’re always busy,” Sungchan replies. “This is the life we’ve been signed up for.”

“You get what I mean, don’t you?” Mark whispers. “I love you, Jung Sungchan, and I wish I could be with you. But we can’t be together—not in this lifetime, at least.”

Sungchan turns away from Mark. It’s the first time tonight that he deliberately moves his gaze away from Mark’s face. “You disappoint me, hyung.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark whispers.

He turns back to Mark and sighs. “But I understand what you mean.”

“Do you?” Mark asks, voice cracking. He’s suddenly very thankful that he’s already seated on the bed, because if he were still standing he’d without a doubt fall down. His limbs shake like leaves.

“Yeah. I was hoping things would change, but… it’s fine. Duty, and all that. As long as I can still see you I’ll be satisfied.” Sungchan’s voice shakes. “I’ll still see you around, right?”

“Of course.” Mark says quickly. “We both serve the same Prince, after all.”

Mark is five when he meets a boy. Mark is twenty four when he falls in love. Mark is twenty five when he breaks his own heart.

The silence is unsettling.

“Well, I think I should get going now.” Sungchan says faux-cheerfully, standing up and glancing around. His eyes flicker over the various trinkets around the room, looking at them with what Mark thinks might be fondness. “I think I’ll miss this room. It has a lot more life to it now than when I first saw it,” He teases. Mark ducks his head. Up until a few months ago, Mark’s room was impersonal and bland, with Donghyuck’s gifts all gathered together in one corner of the room for convenience whenever Mark had to clean up. The second time Sungchan entered Mark’s room, he’d eyed the trinkets with barely veiled distaste before picking several of them up, wandering around the room to arrange them artfully on ledges and tables while Mark had watched him fondly.

Mark hesitates. “Wait.”

“Hm?”

Before he can think too much and lose his last opportunity, Mark stands up quickly and wraps an arm around Sungchan, pulling him closer. The taller boy startles and stares down at him when they’re suddenly chest to chest, one of Mark’s hands resting on Sungchan’s back while the other hovers over his arm.

“I’m sorry, is this okay?” Mark whispers.

Sungchan nods. Mark hesitates for a second before tossing caution to the wind and winding his other arm around Sungchan’s neck, pulling him into an open-mouthed kiss. Sungchan kisses him back eagerly, hands fumbling at Mark’s waist to pull them even closer together. 

Mark breaks away first, flushing as he steps out of Sungchan’s embrace, and the latter lets go of him willingly as he raises an eyebrow at Mark.

“So what was that?”

Mark blinks. His chest hurts. “A goodbye,” He says, forcing a smile on his face. 

Sungchan smiles back sadly. “I love you, Lee Minhyung.”

Mark nods curtly, not allowing himself to say the words back. “You should go now.”

“Right,” Sungchan says, fumbling with his black cloak briefly before slipping it on again. He hesitates at the door, but Mark looks away in favour of climbing back into bed, heart thudding as he hears the soft click of the door being shut.

In the vulnerability of the night, Mark can’t find it within himself to pretend that everything is alright. He just hopes that he will never have to experience something like this again.

**Author's Note:**

> the result of 4 hrs of sleep and way too much self indulgence :")  
> title is from divine by snsd!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/magic_san) / [cc](https://curiouscat.me/antihero)


End file.
